Archive for October, 2009

Breach of Biker Protocol, Photoshop Edition

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Last week, I learned even more about the Biker Lifestyle, and as usual, I learned it through trial and error. Emphasis on “error.”

It all started when one of Bob’s Facebook-using biker buddies made an offhand comment to the effect that Bob has had the same profile photo up for roughly 2,000 years and that it was time for a new one.

So I set out in search of a new photo. “Bob on the bike” seemed like an obvious choice, since the previous profile picture had been taken before Bob purchased his new Harley.

Now, most social-networking profile image areas are square in shape, even though most cameras do not produce square photos. (Take note, idea hamsters at Facebook – rectangular thumbnail images are a better idea than that new “Live Feed/News Feed” thing.)

So I found a cool image of Bob and the bike that I knew he really liked, fired up my image-manipulation software, and set to work with the “crop” tool. Once I had it cropped closer to a square, I started thinking. The image on my screen was big. The thumbnail images on profiles are small. Bob’s head was going to be about two pixels wide. What kind of profile pic is that? No one can see his face!

So, I cropped in on Bob, leaving enough of the bike in there so you could still tell he was on a motorcycle, like this:

Bob cropped

Which, apparently, is where I made my grievous mistake.

“So, did everybody like your new profile photo?” I asked Bob that night, after it had been uploaded for a few hours.

“They’re making fun of me!” he said. “Everybody’s all like, ‘hey, nice handlebars.’”

“But if I don’t crop in on the bike, you can hardly see your face!”

“So?”

And with that, I learned something new about bike photography – it is never cool to crop out any part of a bike, even if it makes sense editorially, even if not doing it relegates your human subject to a few lowly pixels in the background. Here’s Bob’s new (and, from a biker standpoint, improved) photo:

Bob uncropped

What Do Geeks and Bikers Have in Common?

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

After extensive research and multiple clinical trials, I have discovered the one thing that all geeks and all bikers have in common: a fascination with “the upgrade.”

To a biker, no motorcycle, no matter how new or how few minutes it has been off the lot, is so awesome that it cannot be made better.

From the moment my husband Bob got his new Harley home, I was thinking it was a good-looking vehicle and that he looked good on it, and…uh, that it was shiny and stuff. Bob, on the other hand, was gazing at it, thoughtfully rubbing his chin, conveying via body language, “hmmm…how can I upgrade this?” I recognized this look because it’s the same one I get when I’m browsing computers at Best Buy, studying on-the-box specs and mentally calculating the cost of maxing out the RAM.

Bob’s first bike upgrade was a pair of stylish leather saddlebags. These are very important if you want to perform any of the normal “errand” functions while riding, such as transporting critical documents or picking up a gallon of milk on the way home.

The next thing I knew, leather fringe had been added to both handlebars. (It matched the bit of fringe on the stylish leather saddlebags.) Then, an additional layer of handlebar fringe. Then, a giant chrome brake pedal that cost $40.

Now, I’d heard from reliable sources — wives of bikers — that once the biker in your life buys one piece of chrome, that you pretty much have to develop a household budget category for it, like you would for groceries, or health insurance. So you can imagine I was a bit concerned.

Our geek-to-biker conversation about this brake pedal went something like this:

Me: $40 for a brake pedal?

Bob: It’s chrome.

Me: So?

Bob: It looks cool.

Me: But your foot’s covering it.

Bob: Well, you can’t see a video card once you put it in your computer, can you? But they still put cool designs on them.

Dang. Impressive little outburst of geek-speak.

I admit, the chrome brake pedal does look cool. And I had forgotten, of course, that you only spend about 25% of your time actually “riding” a bike, the other 75% being for parking it, then polishing it and gazing at it, so I suppose it is important that every possible part of it looks cool.

I’m actually starting to think a totally chromed-out computer would be pretty cool. The kind of machine C3PO would dig. Just imagine how that power indicator light would gleam off a chrome tower. Though then, much like Bob and his Harley, I’d have to polish it a lot more….

It’s Wireless, Not Cordless (Unfortunately)

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

Last Tuesday night, around about the time I was making a note to myself that my Facebook carrots would be ready for harvesting in the morning, there was a major wind event in my area…one major enough to knock out the power.

Unlike the scary “pop” of a lightning-related outage, this one was a slow, sad fade to black.

Wednesday morning, I received the dire news via the neighborhood grapevine – it was going to be 6:30 AM, on Thursday morning, before the power would return.

So I loaded all my work paraphernalia – laptop, cellphone, camera, and all their assorted cords and peripherals – into the car and began cruising around town looking for places that provided a free wi-fi signal so I could get some work done. Bob had fired up the generator in the morning, but he was convinced we should only use it to power “important” appliances, such as the refrigerator. There was no way I could use it for my computer, my Comcast modem, and my wireless router unless we wanted to sacrifice our freezer full of fish sticks.

So, off I went. I started at McDonald’s. Even though their wi-fi isn’t free, they do have Egg McMuffins. I sat down with my McMuffin and my Diet Coke and my laptop and my cellphone, connected to their wi-fi, paid my $3, and got to work. This all made me feel very self-sufficient, even more so than when I had helped Bob hook up that generator to our fridge. (I was the one who fed the extension cord through the kitchen window. A small but pivotal role.)

Only an hour and fifteen minutes into my workday, a little message popped out of my computer’s system tray – Low Battery. I dug the AC adapter out of my laptop case and…and…couldn’t find anywhere to plug it in! I searched my immediate seating area, then got up and walked through the McD’s dining room, scanning the walls for an outlet. I had an insane flashback to George Costanza freaking out on the sidewalk while Shlomo and Slippery Pete play his Frogger machine, wearing down the battery, instead of getting it across the street to an electrical outlet. (“Holes! I need holes!”)

Unfortunately, much like poor George, I did not find any holes. I ran out of power, and lost about 75 cents’ worth of Internet time. Dejected, I went home to put gas in the generator – and think of another place I could get connected to the web and electricity.

The power company, either in a fit of really hard work or of gross overestimation, had the power back on by Wednesday night, 12 hours earlier than they originally predicted. (Go, AEP!) And, in case you were wondering, yes, I did get to that virtual carrot harvest in time. Close one, there.

Maxed Out at One Gigabyte: A Geek’s Shocking Story

Thursday, October 1st, 2009

My computer is slow. Okay? There, I said it.

It wasn’t always like this. When I bought it, back in 2002, from geeks.com, the ultimate Internet destination for good deals on factory-refurbished geek supplies, it was pretty decently souped up. 512 MB of RAM, upgradeable to a full gigabyte (holy cow, an entire gigabyte?), and a roomy 120-GB hard drive for storage of your important stuff, such as LOLcats. Except LOLcats weren’t invented yet.

To say my hard drive is now full would be an understatement. As of this writing, I have 8.55 GB left, and that is only because I deleted some things last year to make room for Season 5 of LOST. Don’t know how I’m going to handle Season 6.

But really, the storage problem is hardly even an issue anymore. Last year on Black Friday, my big retail score, for which I got up at 4:00 in the morning to go to Office Depot, was a 1-terabyte external hard drive. Plus I have a 350-GB internal drive I harvested from my sister-in-law’s computer after the processor died. So storage-wise, I’m set.

It’s this RAM thing that troubles me. When anyone I know gets a new computer, it generally contains an obscene amount of RAM. As in, 4 GB, upgradeable to 8, or something outrageous like that.

“Out of the box, this computer is four times as fast as mine. And mine has been upgraded,” I’ll point out to Bob.

“So can’t you upgrade yours?”

“No, it’s maxed out. It will only hold 1 gigabyte,” I’ll say, adding the sorrowful downcast-eyed facial expression common to geeks who find out they own inferior hardware.

“So, what do you need 4 gigabytes for?” Bob will ask.

The official answer to this question is something like, “To speed up the rate at which my computer can call up information and programs, thus increasing my productivity.” But if I said that, all Bob would hear is “blah blah blah.” And we all know that’s not the real answer anyway. (Note to non-geeks: The real answer is “games.”)

The other thing that’s bugging me about buying a new computer is that I like this one. It’s been reliable for the past seven years, only showed me a blue screen of death a couple of times and always recovered afterwards, never caused me any noticeable data loss, hardly ever even had a virus.

So it takes a while for stuff to open. So I can only have a couple programs running at a time. I’m sentimentally attached to this HP Pavilion 753c, somehow. And it’s still faster than my Sony Vaio laptop, which, I’m embarrassed to admit, is panting along on 512 MB at the moment. (The upgrade to 2 GB is imminent.)

So I think I’ll hang onto this thing and see how many more miles I get out of it. Just as long as it keeps up with my Sims…I mean, work.